Where is Freedom?

Everyone wants the feeling of being free, but everyone is looking in the total wrong places. Tell me, what truly liberates?

Casual sex liberates, they say. It’s liberating to jump into bed with whoever you want whenever you want. It is restraining to have to wait until commitment, let alone marriage!

Throwing off the chains of submission to your husband is freeing, they say. Why should he make “all” the decisions and leave you in the shackles of not having control?

The “anything goes” mentality is liberating, they say. No right, no wrong, no rules for me… I’m free. (sound familiar?) To try to abide by a bunch of rules for life is absolute bondage.

Freedom is having no reigns. This is what we are told. Obviously that’s true in some very physical examples (say getting your leg out of a cast) but I have found in moral categories, the opposite seems to be true. It’s totally paradoxical but strangely true. Listen:

I have found immense freedom in waiting for intimacy until after the wedding. I have the freedom to love as best I can with no burden of performance, the need to impress so I won’t lose him. Instead we are left with a deep emotional bond that results in way better sex than a one-night-stand could ever come close to. (sorry to be blunt, but it’s downright true.)

I have found the same gorgeous taste of freedom when I choose to submit to my husband. Being “bound” by this vow I took on my marriage day is liberating. It is very freeing honestly, to just say “Okay” even when I don’t agree, because I don’t hold the responsibility for that decision.

I have found the most freedom in the “rules” God has set out for moral living. I put rules in quotations because as we know we are under grace, not the law. But what the Lord outlines in his word as precepts to live by results in a very freeing life where I am never under the chains of addiction and always free to enjoy because I am not weighed down by guilt.

We all know that the less choices there are, the more freedom there is. (Think about ordering and In N Out compared to Carls Jr. Which stresses you out more?) That’s just another reason why taking away all boundaries is absolutely devastating and brings nothing but bondage.

If I may bring up Elsa again from the ever-popular Frozen, her choice to let it go led to pain for others and intrinsically herself. She knew just throwing caution to the wind would not bring her true joy or satisfaction. Sure, it brought some instant gratification, but she was still chained by her fear. It was only through controlling her desires and urges that she found true peace and freedom.

I believe that analogy goes far in many instances. I hate that so many children sing that song when the song itself is not what led to her liberation, but in fact made her chains heavier. The lyrics holds that ever-present lie: when there are no rules, I’m free.

In the most ultimate sense, surrender to God is what produces the very purest form of liberation. We cannot find any true freedom while resisting the light yoke of our Creator. To try to be in in control all the time is an incredible bondage, and that weight is lifted when we give all to God. We just go with His flow. When you reach that place, oh how the freedom runs deep!

History-makers... playing Second Fiddle

I was reading this article about how half of viking warriors seem to have been women, and came across this quote. "It’s been so difficult for people to envision women’s historical contributions as solely getting married and dying in childbirth."


Read that again.


Note that the only worth in your life is obviously your contribution to the world and to history. You, as a woman, are only a wife and mother? That's it? What a let-down to society! What a loss for history. You didn't make a contribution to the world, just sat at home, stuck in your women's world. Heck, that's just about as worthless as it gets.


Okay, forgive my sarcasm. But as I pondered this outrageous statement I realized it all stems from the pressure our culture inundates us with to be the top dog, if you will. We have little respect for the second-fiddles, those who work behind the scenes. Even movie directors get way less press and fame than their actors and actresses. Why? Because they played the visible roles. They were the VIPs.


It isn't always true, but oftentimes the unseen workers are responsible for making the stars and heroes great. Think of the slaves rowing the warships in ancient times. They didn't get a speck of the glory -- but it couldn't have been done without them. A singer is just a guy with a guitar on YouTube without his producer, band, agent, sound-mixer and marketers.


Look, I totally understand why everyone wants to be the visible one who gets all the glory. That's human nature. But why does our culture have to add to the pressure by making us feel like we're not making anything of ourselves if we are the back-up singers for the American Idol, the rowers in the belly of the conquerors ship, the lunch cooks for the cast of the blockbuster.


I'm all for the supporters. The ones who aren't applauded or hailed as heroes. And the very crux of all of those backstage workers is a wife and mother. I'd be so bold as to say she may make even more of a change than those champions. Because most all of the men who made such a difference in the world were reared by loving mothers and supported by strong wives. Who gets credit in the history books? The men. Who worked year after year, 24/7, to support and care for these world-changers? The women.


I'm never going to be somebody big. I'm not going to be a movie star, or the next Mother Theresa, or even ever perform on Broadway. I'll probably never have my books published. I doubt I will make any kind of mark on the history books. But that doesn't make me worthless. You hear that, World? Stop telling me that by being a stay-at-home mom I'm wasting my life and not making a contribution. I'm making the most important contribution I can possibly make by investing into the lives of my husband, children and family.


I'm not saying that women can't be visible world-changers. That's great! It's just that most of them will be invisible world-changers, and I think that is just as great. I only hope that our culture will learn to respect the hundreds of women throughout the ages whose hard work earns just as much applause as their husband's and sons' does.

Define: Courtship

Ladies and gentlemen, now that I am officially in a courtship, I thought I might try to clear up all of the confusion surrounding the word.

(it's from the movie Emma. And has nothing to do with the rest of the post really.)

courtship [ˈkɔːtʃɪp]

noun

        1. the act or art of seeking the affections of a woman; wooing
        2. the period during which such wooing takes place

        Cool. Sounds nice and old-fashioned. But this word has become so common among the homeschool subculture that it's lost its meaning altogether. When you hear a couple is “courting,” what does that mean? Arranged marriage for the 21^st century? Awkward dating with both parents watching constantly? Or just Christians doing the same bf/gf thing as everyone else – but with a reformed name?

        All those things may be named courtship, but to me, courtship is really only one thing: a relationship between a man and woman seeking to determine God's will in their future, while protecting each other and honoring their parents. It's really about the principles, because every courtship is different.

        When my sister started a courtship, it was new ground for us. Sure, we'd read tons of books about courting and watched sermons about purity – goodness, we'd even listen to long tapes during car trips on the topic – but then we would hear “every courtship is different,” leaving us basically on our own to create this thing called courtship for our own family.

        Thank goodness.

        We thought the rules applied to everyone. Rules about timing, stages, and even as specific as physical boundaries. But we learned that the most important thing about courtship is that it is very different for every couple. Everything is different because the people are different.

        Some last a couple months, some a couple years. Some involve heavy parental oversight, some little. Some couples know each other for years before-hand, while some hardly at all when the courtship begins.

        I cannot place enough importance on being willing to make adjustments to your picture of the “perfect courtship” because of your situation. It's really okay! Still there are basic essentials. Here are the basic Principles of courtship. (I capitalized the P because the 3 essentials start with Ps... clever, I know...)

1. Purposeful intent
2. Purity valued
3. Parental involvement

        So first, purposeful intent. This is mostly to shield against the culture-condoned practice of dating for fun, or to “just get to know” without serious interest in marriage. Because this is done in a environment that promotes romantic feelings, the fear is that it leads to emotional attachment (which is usually true) and then to heartbreak. Yes, we know heartbreak isn't the end of the world, and it can be a great growth process, but it's generally way more efficient to get to know people outside of a romantic context. A courtship is always looking toward marriage as a hopeful goal. (Not a definite goal. That's called “engagement.” And yes, that was sarcastic.)

        Purposeful also means you wait until the young people are ready to begin a courtship. It is not an easy out for two infatuated young people to have a romantic relationship even though they're not anywhere near marriage – but oh, it's okay because we're courting. Shall I quote Song of Solomon? Don't start things until the two people are ready for things to be started.

        I tend to put prominence on maturity. Yes, a job is important; yes, knowledge of house-keeping is important; but knowing how to sacrifice and be vulnerable and being ready to enter the extremely hard puzzle that marriage is: this is most crucial. At least to me.

        Now, with each of these principles, some people go overboard. For instance: Waiting until they're ready, to some people, means the man must already be ready to support a wife and three children before he asks to court anyone. (I only exaggerated a little, actually. Sadly.) While financial stability is important, it may not be a reason for delaying courtship. Neither may age be. Usually, a courtship of two 17-year-olds isn't the wisest thing, but sometimes it works! It is different for everyone. I know of a couple who had a long but blessed courtship that began when they were about that age. They are married now and so glad they could do all of those years of growing side by side. It definitely does not work for everyone, but don't rule it out as impossible. Please.

        Now on to number 2. Purity valued. Purity is probably the most enormous focus in courtship talks/books. It doesn't just mean physical. Emotional purity is one of the most-talked-about topics for young women. "Emotional purity" actually isn't the best wording (discretion would be better) because it implies it is something that can be lost and never regained (more on that later). But emotional discretion is really important, especially for girls, and especially when they're young. Do not be reckless with your love, or foolish with your thoughts. Remember, the heart determines the course of the life. (Psalm 4:23, NLT) And as far as physical purity, God commands it.

        Now, how some go overboard. Does it surprise you that the day I realized kissing before marriage isn't a sin was not very long ago? Okay, it's not as if I consciously thought it was, but my subculture so valued “saving” your kiss for your wedding day that I was secretly judging anyone who didn't. Until I realized it wasn't actually any kind of moral failing – it was just a wise idea. First kiss at the altar is a very good idea for keeping physical purity. But please remember that it's not a sin to decide not to. (Decide being an important word. “It just happened” when you planned to save it for the big day is a different issue. Set your boundaries and keep them.)

        And on the emotional side of things... oh boy. Ladies, please hear me out. If you fall in love with a man, and end up not marrying him, it is okay. It will not make you less pure, leaving you partially defiled on your wedding day. You do not leave a part of your heart with that first man that you can never give to your husband. Yes, you might always remember him, perhaps with regret – but no matter how many times you fall in love, you will always have all your heart to give your true love.

        I say this not to encourage you to fall in love, but to hearten those who have done so, wisely or not. Too much pressure on guarding your heart will make you afraid of taking the steps needed to create that deep relationship vital in a courtship. I am writing a post about my own experience facing that choice of vulnerability, and what I discovered about keeping my heart in a courtship. Stay tuned for that.        

        So that's all I can say for now without being utterly-way-too-long. Guarding your heart is good, very good, but please don't take it overboard. It's damaging to your relationship with your future husband.

        Last but not least, number 3: Parental involvement. This is probably the principle you will have the hardest time finding in the dating world. In fact, you don't even find it much in engagement. But courtshipers (I think I made up that word) find it very important. Basically, this includes the woman's father “checking out” the young man, setting boundaries for the courtship, and just being involved in the whole process.

        I love this. I really love it. First, it gives the father the honor he deserves. Second, it deepens and strengthens relationships between parent and child, as you talk openly about this very personal issue. And third, O young ones, your parents aren't perfect, but they've got some great advice. They've been through this. While you may feel like you know way more about this situation, take a humility pill and realize that you've got a lot to learn. Besides, you're probably not quite in your right mind as there is some amazing person interested in you. Just sayin'.

        And the best part about giving your parents authority in your relationship is that they just might hand it back. Say hello to the power of trust. This has been one of the biggest blessings in my own courtship. My man and I have been given a lot of trust in some areas, and as a result, we have an even greater desire to prove trustworthy! There is an incredible empowerment that comes with being trusted, and it is a great maturity-builder for young adults who may or may not deserve it, but will strive to earn it.

        How do some go overboard with this? By making the rules too strict. By closing the gate too tight. By not trusting the couple enough, so that they jump over the gate, because they felt it would never open. Enough said.

        Also,  it is difficult to say what the level of authority a father should have on rejecting a suitor. This is one I can't say a black and white answer on, because the situation is always different.

        However, in almost every situation I can say that is very important to give the couple time alone. I used to think in courtship, there was always someone right there, watching and listening. Wow. What a way to develop a relationship. In all seriousness, third wheels are great – but to have a truly real and deep relationship, some things must be between 2 people only, and not shared with the parents or anyone else. That is the nature of relationships, and especially one as intimate as this one is meant to become.

      ...Please forgive me, I'm going to say just a little bit more about rules (even though I said "Enough said.") Don't misunderstand me - rules are wonderful things. They can often be legalistic or too harsh, but in general they are great. My whole life, we always had the rule: "No riding in the car alone with a guy." Even when neither of us were remotely interested in each other and it was just for convenience - it didn't matter. We had a rule, and we kept it. Did this get annoying sometimes? Yes. Did it hurt me? No. Really, it's okay to put up with rules that don't always make sense. Better to be safe than sorry.

        So those are the 3 principles that I believe make courtship different from dating. Before I'm finished though, I must state something rather important. And that is this: dating can be God-glorifying.

        This should be obvious, but to those in my circle, it's not. People, listen: Dating couples actually aren't stupid. (Gasp!) They oftentimes date with purpose, and in some form or other, value purity. It's true. And on the other hand, some don't. Those types are so scandalous that we decide all dating is like that and therefore “bad.” It is unfortunately common to find pro-courtship-ers making generalizations about daters, because the large percentage of them are all one way. Check out this quote from Stacey McDonald.

        “Dating is random, while courtship is deliberate; in dating, the goal is romance, while with courtship, the goal is marriage; dating leaves the couple unprotected, while courtship protects the young couple; dating is an unnatural setting of perpetual recreation, but courtship creates a natural setting of real life and family...”

        Do you see the stereotyping? Courting couples can be very unprotected if they make unwise choices, while dating couples can choose to put up boundaries for themselves. It's about the principles, not the name. Let me say it again. It is the principles within the relationship that determine whether it glorifies God or not. Dating can be totally fine.

        And what do I mean by “dating?” Going on dates. Spending time one-on-one developing a deeper relationship. Doing fun things together. Doing hard things together. Dating doesn't have to equal fornication and broken hearts. Just as courtship doesn't have to equal purity and protection. Whichever way you go, if you make the Bible the core of your relationship's principles, you're good to go. It's okay to do things different than the next guy. It really is.

        Thanks for reading. Sorry this ended up so long, but hopefully it's been somewhat helpful. Go date/court to the glory of God!

On Little Girls and Princesses

How strange it is to be a celebrity.

I'm not a very big celebrity, that's for sure, considering most of my fans are diminutive females under the age of eight.

Yes, this is me. This is what I've been doing lately - being Cinderella. After the musical, I'm swarmed by mothers with their little girls and cameras in hand. The girls walk up to me with huge eyes, not believing they're actually seeing Cinderella - who they've just watched sing and dance in REAL LIFE for the past two hours. When I bend down to give them a hug, some return it... but most just stand there in shock.

"Look over here, honey!" Their moms hold the phone up and I smile. My cheeks hurtafter the first 10 girls, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. These girls look up to me. There mouths are open and eyes are disbelieving as they finally greet their heroine, a real princess.


Why?  Why is meeting Cinderella the highlight of their month? Why is being a princess their ideal existence?

Every little girl dreams of being a princess. (Well, mostly.) Why is that? Even as a "grown-up" I have a fascination with beautiful dresses. We go from being entranced by mini sparkly princess gowns to trying to hide our squeals as we drive by the sumptuous dresses displayed in the bridal store window. Why is that?

I wish I could remember why. All I can do is smile at these little girls wonder - and wonder myself what they're thinking. Marveling at their innocent sense of idealism. So soon they'll learn that it takes more than the wave of a wand to live in a castle. That Prince Charming will not be a perfect prince. That happily ever after is not attained by magic.

But they'll still never really let go of the little princess in themselves.

Picture credits:
My mom
Rack of dresses
Mirror

If you're single...

on Valentines day........

Congratulations. You're part of the small percentage of the world who still has their heads on their shoulders. Rejoice in your untwitterpatedness.

And go write a love song.

Women taking over the world? No, thanks.

Okay, people. I've been getting riled up. About this song. Ever heard of it? It's called "Anthem," by the band Superchick. I'd heard of them, but never listened to their music. I just didn't like it. Oh, and I thought they were a Christian band... then I heard this song. Actually I didn't listen to it (undoubtedly NOT my style) but I read the lyrics. Here's the chorus.

"We are fire inside

We are lipstick and cleats

We are not going home

And we are playin' for keeps

We are girls who skin knees

We are concrete and grace

We are not what you think

Can't keep us in our place."

So I'm reading this going, "...what? We're not what you think? Seriously? What do they think people think of girls?" But here's the worst:

"There are trophies to win

Instead of being one of yours."

Okay. That officially made me need to write a blogpost about it. Especially when I saw this comment.

" yeah girls come on! get ya skate boards and guitars and lets take over the world!! "

Okay wait a minute. People, what is this about? Girls taking over the world? I'm sorry, this is just disturbing me. Especially because basically every comment was the same. "I love this song, it's so great telling girls to stand up for themselves, we really are people and we're brave!" What?!

Okay, so my first thought was, "Is this really a Christian band?" My second was, "Why do people think that our culture views women as less than?"

To quickly cover #1 thought:

I'm sure this band has some great songs and I'm not saying they can't encourage and impact people. God can work through anything and everything. But "Christian"?

Superchick's statement on bebo.com reads simply: "What started as a vision for a one-girl revolution turned into an army of non-conformists who believe in themselves and the ability to affect people's lives."  Mmhmm. So they believe in themselves... what about in Jesus? Oh yeah, that too, huh?

“It stands true to your traditional Superchick,” says Melissa (the lead vocalist). “We all stand together, embrace our beauty, encourage each other and feel good about it.”

Feel good about it. Sounds... self-help-y.

"This album is about empowerment and hope,” says (band member) Matt. “Don’t be afraid to cross the lines that people put up to limit you when you know you are better than that.”  It seems that they're quite about believing yourself, not about finding strength in God. This quote just bothers me because he says "you know you are better than that." No, sir, nobody is better than a very worthless, unregenerate sinner. That sounds harsh, but it's only true. Only in God are we anything good or can do anything worthwhile, and only by his Grace are we able. We're not "better than". We're worse than. Anyhow, that was kind of a tangent, sorry...

I searched their biography for Christ, God, and Jesus but there were no finds. The end.

So moving on to #2 thought, FEMINISM! Oh, feminism. It just really makes me mad.

I'll probably post about it more in the future, because there is much to say, so I'll try not to say too much. Basically, here's my take on the whole thing...

It seems there's a prevailing view, among young women especially, that women are... well, I'll let description in the most-watched video of that song "Anthem" say it.

"Women are constantly looked down upon by society, well, men in general. Women are looked at as weak, and not as good as men. This proves that wrong. Women are strong, powerful, and just as good as men. Women/Girls also need to realize that they are. They need to know that noone can tell them who they are or what they can and can't do. They are their own person...."

Wow. This is what I call... oi, what do I call it? Mixing truth with lies. It's an ancient tactic, goes back Eden. In one breath, someone will say truth and sneak a untruth in. So the whole thing sounds pretty much good. Yick!

Women are "just as good" as men. They are their own person.

BUT.

Women are not looked down upon by society. (And by society I mean American culture.) Am I missing something here? When I look around, when I listen to a song (speaking of which), when I watch a movie, I see men portrayed as dumb, weak and useless - and women portrayed as ingenious, strong and in control. I don't have to say anymore; it's so prevalent in culture.

But I will show you a picture.

After all, if women are taking over the world, why do we even need boys?

Sigh.

This, my friend, is how society looks at women. I wonder how we get this notion that women are somehow viewed as second-rate, weak, can't do anything. Where do people get it? Anyone? I actually am asking for reals... I don't know why people think that.

Can you just imagine if someone started selling a shirt that said "Girls are weak" or some such? No one would tolerate. And yet, as Columnist Jane Ganahl basically said, the T-shirts are perceived as harmless fun by children and sexism against women is a far more widespread and substantial problem in United States' society.

Wow. Is it really. Is it really?

To tie back to Superchick, one of the band member describes the band like this. "It was to share a message of hope for the hopeless, empowerment for the helpless, beauty to the ones who had long felt unbeautiful, grace for the broken and love for the one who felt unlovable." Good, wonderful goal. So the question is, who is the helpless who needs empowerment? Friends... it just isn't women.

To quote from an awesome book called It's (Not That) Complicated, "[Boys] start learning their lessons early on, too - that being masculine, responsible, and authoritative is a social offense; that their leadership is oppressive, their protection is insulting, their authority is tyranny, and their position as the head of the household is utterly illegitimate."

So, people. What shall we do about all this?

Be Still

I've been afraid to post lately. Afraid of being mediocre, of wasting your time, of making a mistake in something about God.

Yes, I know, it was very vain of me, but it's the truth. So here I am again, hoping to make some sense and somehow help you to glorify God more. That's pretty much my purpose in life. :D I mean, not just through this blog, but... you know.

Anyhow.

My sister and I both have kindles. The other night, my sister says, "Hey guess what? They're making games for kindle. I tried one out and it actually worked!" 

"Cool," says I. Then I thinks, Wait. What?!?

The whole purpose of a kindle is to read. It's like a book, okay. But just in case you don't feel  like reading, you can play a game. Seriously?
What is wrong with this picture? There's nothing wrong with playing games, don't get me wrong, but my point is, it seems as if the culture is doing everything possible to make sure consumers aren't bored. Think about it - iPads, iPhones, tablets, kindles, you name it. Nothing is wrong with those things, but aren't they all designed so that we will never be bored?

In the physical therapy place I go (for my knee) they have magazines in the waiting room. Doesn't seem out of the ordinary, but if you start to think about it... do we really need magazines? We have to sit in a chair for five minutes - akkk!! Quick, give me something to read! I can't just sit there and think.  I must be entertained.

Yeah.

I am guilty of this, okay, I'm not trying to condemn anyone; I just think it's sad that our culture is like this. What if, every time we had to wait, we made a habit of praying? That would be trillions time more useful than reading a junky magazine to "pass the time." One thing I have been working on (but often forgetting) is praying every time my computer locks up or makes me wait. I encourage you to try it.

So yeah. Keep your eyes open, and you'll start to notice this around you. And the next time you have to wait in line, in an office, or wherever, just sit and think. Be still, and know that He is God.