Burying a precious dream

Photo by Tianna Eddy

How can I describe to you what it was like to be there? Can I describe the way my heart sank deeper and deeper within me as Josh's casket was lowered lower and lower into the ground? Can I describe the sharp, startling shock of pain as the first shovel of dirt hit the metal? Can I describe the deep, numb, crushing feeling that has not left me since May 5th?

But it is not about me. So it doesn't matter if I could describe those things. Although I feel I have lost much, I am still doing better than I deserve. This is the miracle. I need to thank all of you who have lifted me up in this time. You mean so much more to me than you know. Thank you. Someday I hope I can repay you.

I have been realizing the difference between happiness and joy. I have always considered myself an extremely happy person. My life has been very close to perfect. But now I would not consider myself necessarily happy. However, I am really joyful. You might think that I choose to be - but I don't feel that way. I don't wake up and say "today I am going to be joyful." I wake up and all I can do is say, "God, please get me through today. I have nothing." And he does.

This is joy: Jesus. Perhaps my happiness has been taken away for a time, but deep down inside I have joy. I have a reason for living, and a purpose for working. This has been really encouraging to me, knowing that even if much of my happiness was in Josh, my joy was in the Lord. It has not been taken away.

I'm memorizing Romans 8. Paul talks about how creation is groaning for restoration. When I visited Josh's grave on Sunday, all I could think was how very wrong death is. How much we have lost in our fall. Sitting by a mound of earth that holds the old body of a loved one is such a stark reminder that this is not how it was supposed to be. Yes, God uses death to accomplish his purpose, and yes, God is sovereign, and yes, in a sense Josh was "supposed" to die... but death was not a part of God's original creation. It is wrong. Revelation 21, one of the most beautiful passages in Scripture, says:

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Death shall be no more. What an incredible thought. I cannot wait for the day

God is not powerless over death. He could destroy it right now. He could have prevented it from coming into existence, but he didn't. Because he knew the plans he had for us, plans for good and not harm. Though it seems backward, death, suffering, pain and all these things are part of God's beautiful drama.  

I apologize for the aimlessness of this post. I feel kind of rambly. I guess all I have left to say is, I can't believe it's been a month. One whole month since I've seen Josh. I suppose that isn't a very long time, but it seems like forever.

And yet God is still good. He is so good. Joy is mine.