Coming Soon...

I have a massive post about free will coming. As in, I was getting ready to post it when I just kept adding and adding, and my muddly brain wouldn't stop to let me organize as I kept typing, so it turned into a huge out-of-order mess that's still wanting to get bigger....

Anyhow. I love the topic of (non-existent) free will - in fact, I even wrote a speech about it once, but I'm starting to even disagree with that... but back to topic - so it will be long. In fact, I'm thinking I'll just break it into a few parts. Just because. No one likes mammoth blog posts. :D

So you could read up. If you care. Examine your own position on free will and actually take time to think about why you hold it. Because I might just attempt to take down some of your arguments... ;D

Until then!

On Little Girls and Princesses

How strange it is to be a celebrity.

I'm not a very big celebrity, that's for sure, considering most of my fans are diminutive females under the age of eight.

Yes, this is me. This is what I've been doing lately - being Cinderella. After the musical, I'm swarmed by mothers with their little girls and cameras in hand. The girls walk up to me with huge eyes, not believing they're actually seeing Cinderella - who they've just watched sing and dance in REAL LIFE for the past two hours. When I bend down to give them a hug, some return it... but most just stand there in shock.

"Look over here, honey!" Their moms hold the phone up and I smile. My cheeks hurtafter the first 10 girls, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. These girls look up to me. There mouths are open and eyes are disbelieving as they finally greet their heroine, a real princess.


Why?  Why is meeting Cinderella the highlight of their month? Why is being a princess their ideal existence?

Every little girl dreams of being a princess. (Well, mostly.) Why is that? Even as a "grown-up" I have a fascination with beautiful dresses. We go from being entranced by mini sparkly princess gowns to trying to hide our squeals as we drive by the sumptuous dresses displayed in the bridal store window. Why is that?

I wish I could remember why. All I can do is smile at these little girls wonder - and wonder myself what they're thinking. Marveling at their innocent sense of idealism. So soon they'll learn that it takes more than the wave of a wand to live in a castle. That Prince Charming will not be a perfect prince. That happily ever after is not attained by magic.

But they'll still never really let go of the little princess in themselves.

Picture credits:
My mom
Rack of dresses
Mirror

It's 70 degrees again

I was sitting at the dining room table. I looked outside. We have a smallish backyard, and here's what I saw.

A couple plastic chairs. Behind them, one of our sweet gum trees. Behind that the old fence. Behind that the neighbor's house. Behind that a big tree. Behind that a huge green mountain. Behind that the sky. Piercing blue sky.

And everything was brightened by the sunlight. It was so beautiful that I just stared at it. Why. Why was it beautiful? I don't understand! A very common problem with me is the lack of ability to explain things. But I'll try...

It was just the fact that the world was so ... 3-D. Everything was so real, and so bright, and so vivid, and so ... Earth. It was just Earth and Earth is so beautiful. I can't get over it. I couldn't stop looking at that mountain, tree, plastic chair, blue sky, because God made the earth so beautiful. How do I explain this? Are we not all blessed with this ability to enjoy what He made for us? I know I'm not the only one, but I also know I forget to look most days.

Really, people. Just take a second and look. It is so easy. I know this probably sounds really cliche, but I am so, so serious! It's too easy to pass by. It's too easy to let God fill you with wonder at ordinary things. They are everywhere - literally everywhere.

And then there was the little bush by the fence; it's sprouting buds now. Wow. I love spring! The sun was so warm on my back and arms that when I opened the door to come inside - to write about all this - I couldn't step inside. So I shut the door and just stood there. Basking in the sun and the light and God's magnificent goodness to me! Yes, to me. It's all a gift to me. That's not even possible to wrap my mind around.

I think I'm rambling, and I'm sorry, but I'm still not over Earth. And I pray I will never get over it. God is the one who gives me the ability to enjoy it after all. Hm. What a lovely thought.

I'm dead serious about this: you need to take a minute - or five or ten - and step outside. Don't dare tell me you don't have one minute. Just stand there, and whatever is there, however cold or hot or boring or beautiful... take it in. Soak it in. Soak in God's Earth. Stand there in silence and let your soul sing thanks to him. Go. Go!

Whose Standards?

Ahhhh... what better thing to do on a Sunday afternoon than slip into a sweatshirt, jeans and fuzzy socks and write about living up to other people's standards?

So that's what I'm doing. Naturally.

I bring up this topic because of the musical I'm in. I could talk a lot about what it's like being the lead role ... how incredible it is, how hard it is, how different an experience it is, how fun it is - but I've been really struggling with something in particular that this role brings up. Let me explain.

As most of you probably know, Cinderella is a romantic fairy tale. While the version we're doing has a modern spin on it, the story remains the same: poor girl wants to go to the ball, her family mocks her, she meets a magical old lady and gets a makeover, she goes to the ball and falls in love with the Prince and, after some shoe-trying-on, lives happily ever after. So ... did you notice that bit there, falls in love with the Prince? Well it just so happens that the scriptwriter decided to spoil a lovely scene in the moonlit garden by sticking a kiss in the middle of it. Very sad, yes, I know.

Ha! Did you notice what I just did? Hmmmm? Bet you didn't. I just disagreed with some one else's standards. Sorry, I'm going about this talk in a very confusing manner, but track with me. I plainly stated that I thought kissing onstage was not good, and said the writer "spoiled the scene" by including one. Wasn't that judgmental of me? Well, maybe, but I only stated that my opinions differ. The writer (why don't I just go look up his name?) Tom Briggs thought the kiss fit into the scene (his opinion) so he wrote it in. So tell me, was it okay for me to disagree with him? Yes, it was.

So keep that in mind as I jump back off my rabbit trail. At the audition, I told the director that I would not be kissing anyone onstage and that was that. But there was, as there often is, a grey area. What exactly does a fake kiss entail? After all, I didn't say I wouldn't hug anyone onstage... What about looking like I'm kissing someone even though I'm not? When is a fake kiss to real? Where to draw the line?

Well, after much thought and consulting God, I drew my line. I set my standard. If you come to the PAC and see Cinderella, at some point you will see me and the Prince embrace and put our heads next to each other. It's very sneakily done to look like a kiss. Being able to honestly say I believe it is right and pure to do this in this circumstance is all well and fine - but here's where my problem comes in. I'm self-conscious.

 I care too much about what people think of me. And I know that many, if not most, of my friends do not have this same standard. While a few of them would actually kiss onstage, I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the friends who wouldn't do a fake kiss onstage. Who wouldn't do a romantic role at all. I love these people, and I want them to think well of me. So how can I get up onstage and do something that I know they don't think is right?

Here's where our Tom Briggs example comes into play. I disagreed with his standards, right? But if Tom were my friend (just for the record, I have no idea who this guy is), and if I knew he were a really great person, I wouldn't necessarily think less of him for thinking it's okay to kiss onstage. I might try to convince him otherwise, but he'd still be my friend ... even if I didn't agree with his standards.

So basically this is me being vain. Caring too much about people's view of me. It's vain of me to feel "guilty" that I'm not living up to my friends' standards. When I talked with my dad about this, he asked me what guilt was. "Well, you're only guilty when you sin against God" - and I realized that I couldn't feel guilty breaking a human's standards. (Unless they were indirectly God's standards ... for instance if they were standards my parents had set for me. Rabbit trail.)

So to tie up this long post, I just need to stop being self-conscious. That's that. Thanks for reading.

If you're single...

on Valentines day........

Congratulations. You're part of the small percentage of the world who still has their heads on their shoulders. Rejoice in your untwitterpatedness.

And go write a love song.

Women taking over the world? No, thanks.

Okay, people. I've been getting riled up. About this song. Ever heard of it? It's called "Anthem," by the band Superchick. I'd heard of them, but never listened to their music. I just didn't like it. Oh, and I thought they were a Christian band... then I heard this song. Actually I didn't listen to it (undoubtedly NOT my style) but I read the lyrics. Here's the chorus.

"We are fire inside

We are lipstick and cleats

We are not going home

And we are playin' for keeps

We are girls who skin knees

We are concrete and grace

We are not what you think

Can't keep us in our place."

So I'm reading this going, "...what? We're not what you think? Seriously? What do they think people think of girls?" But here's the worst:

"There are trophies to win

Instead of being one of yours."

Okay. That officially made me need to write a blogpost about it. Especially when I saw this comment.

" yeah girls come on! get ya skate boards and guitars and lets take over the world!! "

Okay wait a minute. People, what is this about? Girls taking over the world? I'm sorry, this is just disturbing me. Especially because basically every comment was the same. "I love this song, it's so great telling girls to stand up for themselves, we really are people and we're brave!" What?!

Okay, so my first thought was, "Is this really a Christian band?" My second was, "Why do people think that our culture views women as less than?"

To quickly cover #1 thought:

I'm sure this band has some great songs and I'm not saying they can't encourage and impact people. God can work through anything and everything. But "Christian"?

Superchick's statement on bebo.com reads simply: "What started as a vision for a one-girl revolution turned into an army of non-conformists who believe in themselves and the ability to affect people's lives."  Mmhmm. So they believe in themselves... what about in Jesus? Oh yeah, that too, huh?

“It stands true to your traditional Superchick,” says Melissa (the lead vocalist). “We all stand together, embrace our beauty, encourage each other and feel good about it.”

Feel good about it. Sounds... self-help-y.

"This album is about empowerment and hope,” says (band member) Matt. “Don’t be afraid to cross the lines that people put up to limit you when you know you are better than that.”  It seems that they're quite about believing yourself, not about finding strength in God. This quote just bothers me because he says "you know you are better than that." No, sir, nobody is better than a very worthless, unregenerate sinner. That sounds harsh, but it's only true. Only in God are we anything good or can do anything worthwhile, and only by his Grace are we able. We're not "better than". We're worse than. Anyhow, that was kind of a tangent, sorry...

I searched their biography for Christ, God, and Jesus but there were no finds. The end.

So moving on to #2 thought, FEMINISM! Oh, feminism. It just really makes me mad.

I'll probably post about it more in the future, because there is much to say, so I'll try not to say too much. Basically, here's my take on the whole thing...

It seems there's a prevailing view, among young women especially, that women are... well, I'll let description in the most-watched video of that song "Anthem" say it.

"Women are constantly looked down upon by society, well, men in general. Women are looked at as weak, and not as good as men. This proves that wrong. Women are strong, powerful, and just as good as men. Women/Girls also need to realize that they are. They need to know that noone can tell them who they are or what they can and can't do. They are their own person...."

Wow. This is what I call... oi, what do I call it? Mixing truth with lies. It's an ancient tactic, goes back Eden. In one breath, someone will say truth and sneak a untruth in. So the whole thing sounds pretty much good. Yick!

Women are "just as good" as men. They are their own person.

BUT.

Women are not looked down upon by society. (And by society I mean American culture.) Am I missing something here? When I look around, when I listen to a song (speaking of which), when I watch a movie, I see men portrayed as dumb, weak and useless - and women portrayed as ingenious, strong and in control. I don't have to say anymore; it's so prevalent in culture.

But I will show you a picture.

After all, if women are taking over the world, why do we even need boys?

Sigh.

This, my friend, is how society looks at women. I wonder how we get this notion that women are somehow viewed as second-rate, weak, can't do anything. Where do people get it? Anyone? I actually am asking for reals... I don't know why people think that.

Can you just imagine if someone started selling a shirt that said "Girls are weak" or some such? No one would tolerate. And yet, as Columnist Jane Ganahl basically said, the T-shirts are perceived as harmless fun by children and sexism against women is a far more widespread and substantial problem in United States' society.

Wow. Is it really. Is it really?

To tie back to Superchick, one of the band member describes the band like this. "It was to share a message of hope for the hopeless, empowerment for the helpless, beauty to the ones who had long felt unbeautiful, grace for the broken and love for the one who felt unlovable." Good, wonderful goal. So the question is, who is the helpless who needs empowerment? Friends... it just isn't women.

To quote from an awesome book called It's (Not That) Complicated, "[Boys] start learning their lessons early on, too - that being masculine, responsible, and authoritative is a social offense; that their leadership is oppressive, their protection is insulting, their authority is tyranny, and their position as the head of the household is utterly illegitimate."

So, people. What shall we do about all this?

To make up ...

I realize it's been too long since my last post. My excuse? I actually have two. ;)

1. After years and years of having fun being chorus roles in musicals, God has seen fit to give me a huge gift: playing Cinderella in "Cinderella." I'm dreadfully excited and am planning to put my all into this. So far things are going very well, I'm awed at how God is strengthening my voice... my voice always, always became shaky or weak when I sang in front of a lot of people, but during the past 2 weeks it has somehow remained strong. Such a God thing. Anyhow this could be a post in itself, but it's not! Ahem.

2. I'm one of the editors for the feature-length film First Impressions, which is a time-consuming project.

Therefore, I have been busy. Also, I've been overthinking life, as I'm terribly prone to do, which wearies me emotionally and makes me just a tad stressed. I'll post about it sometime. For now, know that I have at least 4 posts planned... I just need to write them and make them look nice.

I figured out one of the reasons I haven't been blogging is because I've been journaling more than ever. If it means anything to anyone, I'm an INFP. Thus, I really wouldn't live without journaling, because that and talking are how I extravert my "processings." All to say that all the things I should be blogging about I just write in my journal instead because (selfishly) I don't think I have to time to make them look nice, and I just need to get them down on something. So yeah, I've been selfish.

So. Here's two random thoughts I've been processing lately. Happy birthday.

- I went to the mall with my mother a couple days ago. I hadn't been there in forever, and I was savoring that delicious feeling of walking into a store full of jewelry and hair accessories... you know, that joy that just makes you feel ... joyful? Yeah. Emotions are hard to explain. The point is, I am pretty positive that the male population cannot feel this shopping happiness. So as I'm trying on a dress, just for the fun of it since I know I'm never going to waste the money to buy it, I thought, "God, do you understand this funny feeling? I mean, of course you do, but ... you're male, aren't you?" It made me stop and think. God, experiencing the frilly shopping joy? But then again... he did create it, didn't he?

So then that got me thinking. Because God created male as well as female... I mean he must have saved some of himself to characterize the female, when he created Adam. Am I making any sense? Basically I guess I'm trying to say that God is more than just male, because he's not human. I'm not saying he genderless or anything... I mean, maybe he is - after all, he's God! He's a "god", not a man or woman. And yet I just said "he." Humph. Well, it was just one of those things we'll never quite understand until a couple million years into Heaven...

- I will tell about this experience in a later post, but I had a very intense sort of ... emotional (for lack of a better word) experience. I don't like to use the word emotional because it intimates uncontrollable feelings that are "less than" real life. I've always been one to criticize romance and frown upon how emotions (especially romance) are glorified in our culture. And yet, the other night I found I had to admit that emotions are created by God. Well, duh, but the point is, they've been tainted by the sin nature. Emotions themselves are not bad, but when they're allowed free reign they are destructive. Right? So in a perfect world, emotions would not have to be guarded (I'm thinking aloud here) because they could not lead astray. Perhaps.

Most people, it seems, don't think of Heaven as a place of high emotions. Maybe this is because they think that the changing of emotions, like happy to sad, are necessary to the thrill of emotions. But that's not true - the beauty in emotions is not in the fact that it's different - "Oh, I'm so awed by this feeling because it's different than the feeling I had at 2:30" - no, the beauty in emotions is inside the feeling itself. It's that ethereal, indescribable quality. It's what all those cheesy pop love songs try to describe. It's just beyond words, though.

 Anyhow, my point in this is that emotions are from God, and because they are so indescribable, they seem, at times, to come far closer to showing us glimpses of God than words or visual things. You know what I mean? Also, in this world they are indeed less than real life... meaning they're like a color screen over a movie, they're not the movie itself. But perhaps in Heaven, just perhaps, where emotions are pure and untaintable, they will be real life. Or at least a part of it. I mean, just think about it - when we, who were ripped apart at birth from the one Thing that we were created for, are once and for all joined to that beautiful, wondrous Thing, our Maker ... what can describe that ... that feeling? Feeling. Does that seem profane? That a mere emotion might be the only thing to describe a moment such as that? I don't think so.

Well I'm not sure if any of that made any sense, but I don't always have a closure on my thoughts. In fact I usually don't. So I'm sorry if that bothers you.

Until next time...

One sentence

If there were no
evil,

love
would mean
nothing.