News and Such

Howdy. So I did end up starting a vlog and I had to connect it with a website because that's what you do (no actually there were a lot of reasons, one of which that I wanted to continue to blog about these things I touch in in a video and I wanted to do so with a URL that matched the vlog name...)

Anyway all that to say I've a new blog of sorts, so I'm not sure how much I'll really be using this one. We'll see. Anyhow. Mosey on over to arielthehuman.wordpress.com for the blog part... or go to youtube.com/arielthehumanvlog for the vlog part.

I'm really excited about this, actually. It's really fantastic and I'm enjoying every bit! I hope you will join me. :) If not, I understand. Well, kind of. At least, a little.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just in a bit of a hyper mood because CHRISTMAS!!!!! And evergreens and lights and fireplaces and nutcrackers and carols and snow (hopefully)..... it's all just too good.

You can also go look at my Pinterest boards... or join me on Instagram, or Facebook, or Twitter. I won't mention Google + because who uses that anymore????

Everyone have a blessed Christmas season!

On sidewalks and thumb drives... (or, the sovereignty of God)

(This post is from early 2012. It's a bit silly, but kind of interesting.)

I was walking down the sidewalk with my family when my mom instructed my dad,"Switch places with Ariel so she's on the inside." It struck me in that moment how completely silly it all was. If this was my day to die, I'm going to die, whether or not I'm walking near the road or not.

Before I go any further I'd better make a disclaimer. Ahem. DISCLAIMER: I do not recommend putting yourself in stupidly dangerous situations. What is stupidly dangerous? Use your common sense.

But wait! You say. That's just what your mom meant, she was just using common sense. And I agree. Indeed, I actually began to walk on the farther side of the sidewalk. But inside, I figured it didn't really matter. Yes, I think there's a line not to cross, but there's no use in worrying. I guess that's my whole point. Yeah, put your money in the bank, but if it's in your drawer, don't worry about it. We can be careful, but it's silly to be overcautious. As if we can prevent anything God is going to do. I realize I sound very fatalistic. But I just can't see it very other way. Honestly, people. Let me give you a personal example.

I care very deeply about the stories I write. They are my brain, and I have worked on them for hours. And yet they are only on the miniscule gigabite of data on my harddrive. So I back them up onto a smaller drive, just in case my computer crashes. Is that silly? No. I think it's a natural and wise thing to do, because the chances are, someday my computer will crash.

Now, if I were to back it up onto several thumb drives in case my computer crashes -  one for my purse, and in case I lose my purse one for my mom's keychain, and in case she loses that one for my room, and in case the house burns down one in the safe deposit box, and in case an atomic bomb blows that up..... well, you get the point. It's just ridiculous.

Now someone might say "But what if your computer crashes and your (one) thumb drive falls in the toilet (thereby destroying it) in the same day?" And I usually say in response to these questions, "Then I guess I'd take that as a sign from God to stop writing for a while." I say it half in jest, but honestly, if I took precautions to ensure something's safety and God took it... well, I believe he would've taken it whatever I would have done. And yet that doesn't take away my responsibility to take care of it. I know that sounds contradictory but that's how we humans live! It's how God made us. Please tell me that makes sense...?

 If God doesn't want me to die today, I can do all sorts of crazy things and not get hurt. However, if I did such a thing, I probably would die. "Hey Ariel!" You say. "You can't say 'probably' - God's either gonna take you or he's not!" Right. But maybe the way he took me was by me doing a crazy thing because I wasn't using my common sense. That's not my point. My point is.......

(And, that's where it ended. I'm pretty sure my point was to be responsible, but not to worry. And I just said it in about 400 too many words...)

The Essence of Worship

“To worship is to quicken the conscience by the holiness of God, to feed the mind with the truth of God, to purge the imagination by the beauty of God, to open the heart to the love of God, to devote the will to the purpose of God.”
- William Temple

Wow, that is a packed quote. Let's break it down!


To quicken the conscience by the holiness of God
See Isaiah 6. You really ought to read the whole chapter, but I'll quote the relevant part here. 

"...I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. ...And one called to another and said:
'Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts;
the whole earth is full of his glory!'
And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: 'Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!'"

When I read that, I am in awe of my God. His robe fills the temple, and his glory fills the whole earth. I find it incredible that the foundations shook at the voice of - not God - but of his servants the seraphim. Unbelievable! Imagine what the voice of God in all its wonder might do. (hmm... maybe create the galaxies...?)

Imagine witnessing this and being so overwhelmed with the knowledge of his holiness that you are undone. Isaiah was not yet atoned for (that happens in the following verses) so we do have a different status than him as children of God, but still we are so infinitely less than the eternal God! 

In worship we come face to face with God's incredible holiness, in stark contrast to our daily struggles, and our consciences are full aware of the gap between. Praise be to God we are not stuck there! Let's move on to the second phrase.


To feed the mind with the truth of God
The truth of God. I might define that as his Word, his Bible that contains the truth about all of life. One of those truths is that through Jesus' death on the cross we are purified and made blameless before God. Our daily struggles may yet remain until we see him face to face, but the truth of our redemption is glorious knowledge that worship rejoices to remind us of.

There are multitudes of other truths as well. In fact this is a reason why I love hymns - they are often based heavily on scripture so contain solid truths rather than interpreted ones like in many modern worship songs. Still, God can speak through any medium, and worship is a beautiful way to once again feed upon those foundations of the faith that hold us through the storms of life.


To purge the imagination by the beauty of God
This phrase is very dear to me. The beauty of God is something I haven't yet begun to comprehend, but that I find myself pondering so often. Whenever I see something beautiful in creation, I think "That's the beauty of God... only a way minimized version." I really believe creation - not only the physical earth but also things like emotions and relationships - really show the beauty of God's mind and heart. It's unfathomable if you think about it. For just a few of the beautiful things that begin to show us how glorious God is, check out his post. It says enough I think, for this segment.



To open the heart to the love of God
Now that we've gotten a real glimpse at the holiness, truth and beauty of God, we are confronted by an impossible truth. He loves us. He loves you. He loves me. And wow, how unbelievable is that! He chooses to love us with a love that is beyond our understanding - a love that sacrifices all to redeem us and has given us absolutely above and beyond anything we could deserve. 

Open your heart! For whatever reason, we humans are so protective of our hearts, so unwilling to accept love that many of us end up with hearts of stone. The purpose here is to soften our hearts, to give them the terrifying task of opening up and receiving all the great love of God. That is not easy but it is necessary and beautiful. As the words of a famous song say, he is the Lover of our Soul - that is a deep and intrinsic need of ours and it is vital to allow our hearts to receive the love that don't deserve, but desperately desire.


To devote the will to the purpose of God.
Finally we come to the place where we are infused with the love of God and rightly we want nothing more than his purpose. It is the desire of the beloved to devote all time and energy to pleasing the Lover. This is the attitude that I sincerely believe God desires, the serving that comes from being overjoyed with his love and a longing to give him all that we can because of what he has done for us. 

And so we surrender our agendas, our wants and even our needs. We commit our will - that part of us that determines what we strive for - to God's purpose, furthering his kingdom, shining his light to a broken world. It is the most glorious cause one could ever have! What a joy that we are allowed to participate in his redeeming, sovereign plan. 

What a fantastic thing worship is, truly! I hope this imperfect but heartfelt study of worship blessed you in some way. It definitely blessed me to write!

A Massive Endeavor

Dear blog readers,

I am asking for your prayers. My husband and I have started a rather massive endeavor and we can only succeed with the Lord's help.

We are writing down our story. Because it's rather incredible (naturally, being written by the Greatest Author ever.) We fully intend to publish it and share it with as many people as the Lord wills. True stories are too few and far between. True stories encourage with a raw transparency that novels cannot touch.

I can't tell you how nervous and excited and terrified I am to be doing this. I've never attempted something so meaningful, with so much potential for real impact on real people (which is really my main goal in life). So naturally I'm scared out of my wits, yet I know God is on my side because he put it in my heart to share. It's not about me at all, it's about God's redemption and healing.

I cannot wait to see how God uses his story. We are doing our part to write it down in all our feebleness. Please pray for memories to be strengthened as we are writing about things that happened 3-4 years ago. Pray that we would not become discouraged. Pray that the Lord would be preparing many hearts to receive this encouragement and that by reading what he has done, they would praise him and give him the glory he deserves!

That is all. Thank you!

Where is Freedom?

Everyone wants the feeling of being free, but everyone is looking in the total wrong places. Tell me, what truly liberates?

Casual sex liberates, they say. It’s liberating to jump into bed with whoever you want whenever you want. It is restraining to have to wait until commitment, let alone marriage!

Throwing off the chains of submission to your husband is freeing, they say. Why should he make “all” the decisions and leave you in the shackles of not having control?

The “anything goes” mentality is liberating, they say. No right, no wrong, no rules for me… I’m free. (sound familiar?) To try to abide by a bunch of rules for life is absolute bondage.

Freedom is having no reigns. This is what we are told. Obviously that’s true in some very physical examples (say getting your leg out of a cast) but I have found in moral categories, the opposite seems to be true. It’s totally paradoxical but strangely true. Listen:

I have found immense freedom in waiting for intimacy until after the wedding. I have the freedom to love as best I can with no burden of performance, the need to impress so I won’t lose him. Instead we are left with a deep emotional bond that results in way better sex than a one-night-stand could ever come close to. (sorry to be blunt, but it’s downright true.)

I have found the same gorgeous taste of freedom when I choose to submit to my husband. Being “bound” by this vow I took on my marriage day is liberating. It is very freeing honestly, to just say “Okay” even when I don’t agree, because I don’t hold the responsibility for that decision.

I have found the most freedom in the “rules” God has set out for moral living. I put rules in quotations because as we know we are under grace, not the law. But what the Lord outlines in his word as precepts to live by results in a very freeing life where I am never under the chains of addiction and always free to enjoy because I am not weighed down by guilt.

We all know that the less choices there are, the more freedom there is. (Think about ordering and In N Out compared to Carls Jr. Which stresses you out more?) That’s just another reason why taking away all boundaries is absolutely devastating and brings nothing but bondage.

If I may bring up Elsa again from the ever-popular Frozen, her choice to let it go led to pain for others and intrinsically herself. She knew just throwing caution to the wind would not bring her true joy or satisfaction. Sure, it brought some instant gratification, but she was still chained by her fear. It was only through controlling her desires and urges that she found true peace and freedom.

I believe that analogy goes far in many instances. I hate that so many children sing that song when the song itself is not what led to her liberation, but in fact made her chains heavier. The lyrics holds that ever-present lie: when there are no rules, I’m free.

In the most ultimate sense, surrender to God is what produces the very purest form of liberation. We cannot find any true freedom while resisting the light yoke of our Creator. To try to be in in control all the time is an incredible bondage, and that weight is lifted when we give all to God. We just go with His flow. When you reach that place, oh how the freedom runs deep!

Why would a "loving" God .... ?

Lately I have been thinking about how many people struggle with depression. That constant feeling that there's no purpose. Having not even an ounce of drive, and just feeling so utterly listless that it would drive you crazy except you.just.don't.care.

I've been there. It's so paralyzing. There's no kind words you can say to get someone out of that. It's beyond human. Positive thinking is really great and often works wonders, but it can't touch this state. And that's really humbling. I couldn't do a thing to get myself out of that, I really couldn't. Bring me all the ice cream in the world, it honestly didn't help. My friends were praying for me, it honestly didn't help. Even me praying didn't help. I didn't usually feel any better after talking to God. This was scary, too. He was supposed to be there to get me out of this, but he wasn't.

At the crux of it, I found that I couldn't control God. Elementary, I know. But listen: I couldn't use him. He wasn't a genie, or magic solution -  I could pray to him and feel absolutely 0% different.
That's not what I had come to expect. If you're not going to take this away, Lord, at least show me you're there.

And then I realized, he didn't have to respond. He had already given me what I needed in that time. The truth. That he loved me, more than I could fathom. He did not, on the other hand, ever promise to make me feel better.The hard reality is, God does what he wants. And what he "wants" is the ultimate plan of the universe. That plan is a love story.

"Well if he loved us, he would show it by revealing himself to us, to give us hope." To be blunt, well ... that's what you think. God apparently has a slightly different definition of love. His love is so great and unknowable. His love lets us experience some incredibly difficult and downright agonizing times. To our human understanding of love this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Yes, we know that tough times make people stronger - but I'm talking REAL horrific things here. Worse than depression. How can we sit here and believe that God just allows or even sovereignly ordains that?

I am treading on some extremely difficult ground right here. Most of you reading this have experienced a horrible valley, probably worse than mine. For a long time I felt I could never say these truths - about God's sovereign love - to people going through deep valleys. But I can't hold back. The truth is the truth, no matter if it offends or makes someone feel bad. If I'm offending you right now, please don't stop reading yet.

EVERYTHING works together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purposes. I know you've heard that verse a million and a half times. Read it again. Grasp what it means. This is not some lame promise - this is a rock solid foundation to build your entire life upon. God LOVES. His love does the strangest things. The most painful things. And do not forget: His love heals the pain and makes clear the strangeness (though usually not until we transfer to the greater Life).

God is not defined (thank the Lord!) by our human concepts of love. His love let the most kind, wise and good man you can imagine, suffer for hours in a excruciating, gruesome death. And let me add, he didn't only let that happen. He planned it. This kind of suffering is the epitome of "not fair" and the opposite of love to most of our brains. Imagine with me for a moment that the story stopped there. Our whole lives we were left with the most cruel, un-loving thing planned by the God who created us, and there was nothing to but 1; reject this "god" and say he is utterly unloving, or 2; fall on your face before him, cry that you don't understand, and give him your utter trust. That's literally all we can do. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry, even. But is necessary to trust Him.

We know the end of that story. The resurrection of our Savior and how the pain was not for nothing, but for his full glory and the redemption of his chosen bride. But we don't usually know the end of our stories while we're right in the middle of them.

Honestly, the most true and best advice I know to give is this: don't try to understand it. Give up trying to figure God out. We can't. He's infinitely too beyond us. The more you try to put what is happening and what you are feeling into human terms the more unfair it will seem and harder it will be to focus on TRUTH. Just trust.

Expectations

Ohhh I have such a love/hate relationship with expectations

I don't have any kind of solution in this post, just so you know. It's just be venting and frustrated. Haha. Seriously though. If you can help me, please do.

I know I shouldn't have expectations. But for the life of me I cannot figure out how NOT to. We plan a date night. Stephen gets called in to work that evening. Expectation = dashed. But it wasn't wrong of me to expect and look forward to the date was it?

This happens all the time. At least with books and movies I've learned to expect nothing from them, but in real life.... that's just different. I'm not sure how. I wish I knew! But every time something doesn't go according to plan, I have a hard time with it. I try to be flexible but I can't help looking forward to things.

Granted, I'm always OK later, but the initial onset of emotions when I find out is unsettling. I suppose by now I should be used to my emotions, but they make me feel at their mercy and I know that's not true. Gosh that is a whole post by itself.

Anyhow. Then there's the party expectation. I expect to go to this event and have a good time. Or, I expect to have coffee with my friend and it's going to be edifying. When those are disappointed it's the same thing. I kick myself for creating these expectations. But I didn't even mean to create them!

My husband has a special power. He can not create expectations. I'm not sure how he does it. Maybe it's part of being even keel and carefree. Hmmmmm....

So yeah. That's it. Just a rant, like I said. Anyone else have issues with this or is it just me?

The Leaky Pot Syndrome

Bear with me on this one. I know the title is weird.

2 Corinthians 4:7 says, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." Okay, let's look at the context. The treasure referenced here is the "light of the knowledge of the glory of God" (v6) The knowledge. I find that fascinating.

I can just see the clay pot, light spilling out of its many cracks. It's fantastic imagery. One day I was sitting thinking about this and I realized that light and knowledge and joy doesn't just shine through those cracks - it spills out of them and pretty soon it needs to be refilled.

We are leaky. 

Think of how true this is. We hear a sermon; it fills us up with knowledge. The next week, it's all but forgotten. We experience the Lord's intervening firsthand. We are filled with amazement. The next week, it's spilled out the cracks and no longer a reality to us. We are at a Bible Study and the text fills us with the joy of the Lord. But it doesn't stay - it can't. We are leaky.

Our cracks will not be sealed until the next life. While we are still in these shadow lands, we must be continually refilled with the light of the knowledge of God's Glory. Over and over again. This is why weekly Bible studies are so important. Daily reading and praying. Regular fellowship with the body. We must immerse ourselves in the Truth.

We've all come to those places where we are absolutely empty. There's nothing left, there's no motivation, no joy. Fill up with Him. Sometimes we can't do it ourselves. Sometime God will fill us with the words of friend or stranger.

So don't be discouraged when you realize you've been leaking out the glory. It's inevitable. It's what keeps us coming back to our knees.

Thoughts on Vlogging

I realize not very many people read this blog, but if you do please take a moment and give me your input. For some reason I have really felt like I should start a vlog. I know there are pros and cons to the video world vs. the written blog world, but I feel like it would be a good fit for me, and I've never done it, so why not?

Leave a quick comment and tell me if you watch any vlogs and why. I'd love to hear! :D

(Whoah. Shortest post in a long time, folks...)

This blog will continue

It's been almost a year since my last post on this blog. I half-regret that, and half don't. Here's why.

Let's pretend your sister has a baby. And you see her a lot (your sister, that is). To your eyes, you never really see the baby grow. If you look back at a picture from months ago, then you can see the growth, but otherwise you never notice it because you see the child so often.

Now imagine you also have an acquaintance that has a baby. You only see this acquaintance once or twice a year. When you see that baby 8 months later you can definitely see a difference!

So I liken this blog to the latter experience. Re-reading posts and analyzing has shown me how much I have changed. And you haven't seen that change. You are the acquaintance finally seeing my baby again. You may not notice the change then, until I begin writing on these topics again. 

Honestly, I don't know how often that will be. My life has changed a lot since my last "real life and not just philosophical" post. I've been married almost 1 1/2 years and started and ended things in my life.. in short I am a different person. Still Ariel. But a little more grown up perhaps.

For instance, my last post. The feminism-ish one. I'm not sure I'd agree with everything I said. The post is a bit narrow-minded, I am rather doing a straw man fallacy on the feminism argument (if you don't know what straw man is, look it up. People do it ALL. THE. TIME.) I still am technically "against" feminism but I've been learning to see things from more sides. I don't want to turn you off by sounding boastful - you already know all growth in me is because of the Lord - but it is something I am so thankful for. 

I never realized that I was narrow-minded. Now I look back and it's so plain as day. Being open-minded doesn't mean I agree with everything. Heavens. It means I don't shoot down everything that doesn't align with my opinions. I analyze it. I consider it. I try to understand it. I have another post brewing about this in detail so I won't go into too much detail.

Point is, I'm not ashamed of who I was but I am glad I have grown. Gosh though, now everywhere I look on the internet all I see is narrow minds. Even those whom might be considered "open-minded" (like agnostics or the world-peace folks) I have found are equally as closed as the legalistic. All people want to do is flaunt their opinion. Honestly, am I any different? I'd like to think so but I'm afraid it's a rather human tendency. Still, we can do our best to work at understanding things and make ourselves more intelligent than before. That is what I am aiming to do.

To close I would apologize for the very long hiatus, but I know most of you didn't even miss me. ;) Except you, my friend, you know who you are - who said "so, is your deep-thoughts blog over?" and spurred me into writing this post. 

As always, thank you for reading. Blessings!

History-makers... playing Second Fiddle

I was reading this article about how half of viking warriors seem to have been women, and came across this quote. "It’s been so difficult for people to envision women’s historical contributions as solely getting married and dying in childbirth."


Read that again.


Note that the only worth in your life is obviously your contribution to the world and to history. You, as a woman, are only a wife and mother? That's it? What a let-down to society! What a loss for history. You didn't make a contribution to the world, just sat at home, stuck in your women's world. Heck, that's just about as worthless as it gets.


Okay, forgive my sarcasm. But as I pondered this outrageous statement I realized it all stems from the pressure our culture inundates us with to be the top dog, if you will. We have little respect for the second-fiddles, those who work behind the scenes. Even movie directors get way less press and fame than their actors and actresses. Why? Because they played the visible roles. They were the VIPs.


It isn't always true, but oftentimes the unseen workers are responsible for making the stars and heroes great. Think of the slaves rowing the warships in ancient times. They didn't get a speck of the glory -- but it couldn't have been done without them. A singer is just a guy with a guitar on YouTube without his producer, band, agent, sound-mixer and marketers.


Look, I totally understand why everyone wants to be the visible one who gets all the glory. That's human nature. But why does our culture have to add to the pressure by making us feel like we're not making anything of ourselves if we are the back-up singers for the American Idol, the rowers in the belly of the conquerors ship, the lunch cooks for the cast of the blockbuster.


I'm all for the supporters. The ones who aren't applauded or hailed as heroes. And the very crux of all of those backstage workers is a wife and mother. I'd be so bold as to say she may make even more of a change than those champions. Because most all of the men who made such a difference in the world were reared by loving mothers and supported by strong wives. Who gets credit in the history books? The men. Who worked year after year, 24/7, to support and care for these world-changers? The women.


I'm never going to be somebody big. I'm not going to be a movie star, or the next Mother Theresa, or even ever perform on Broadway. I'll probably never have my books published. I doubt I will make any kind of mark on the history books. But that doesn't make me worthless. You hear that, World? Stop telling me that by being a stay-at-home mom I'm wasting my life and not making a contribution. I'm making the most important contribution I can possibly make by investing into the lives of my husband, children and family.


I'm not saying that women can't be visible world-changers. That's great! It's just that most of them will be invisible world-changers, and I think that is just as great. I only hope that our culture will learn to respect the hundreds of women throughout the ages whose hard work earns just as much applause as their husband's and sons' does.

The smudge

I know it's been an awfully long while. Lately I've been trying vainly to come up with a brilliant idea for a post. Nothing has come.

However today I ran across the words I wrote in my Beloved's valentine card earlier this year. I found them poignant and still very true. I apologize that it is yet another love-themed post, but I'm still a newlywed technically. Cut me some slack.

I didn't know there was a black

dot on the page. Until I touched it.

It smudged around the beautiful capital

S I had made. And not just once ... every

time I tried to fix it - yet another smudge

appeared. I was crushed. The card had already

taken longer than I had anticipated and I was just

starting to like its peculiarity. And now it's marred.

Flawed. How could I give it to you?                     

  Then it dawned on me. Stephen, you have touched me - 

and I you - in places of the soul that have never been seen.

Before, these small vices and imperfections were unnoticeable

little dots. But then you touched me. They were brought to light 

in unlovely ways. I've cried so much these past two months, because 

you have smeared my dots. I didn't want to see those flaws. 

I didn't  want you to know. I couldn't give you a flawed 

        bride. I had to be perfect for you.                                            

But I'm not.                

                                     And it is painful

for you - and me - to have to face these things. You

may think this is an exaggerated story, and not

one to be told on Valentines Day. But the

fact that you love me in spite of my

imperfections - that you love me

unconditionally - THAT is the

best gift I've ever been

given to me. Stephen,

That is true

love. 

Man and Wife

Greetings.

I'm MARRIED!

Isn't he handsome? Yes, I know I am ridiculously lucky. The greatest thing is that the handsomest part of him is his enormous heart.

It's been a whirlwind adjusting to married life - much different than either of us expected. Some things are easy, we adjust seamlessly. Others are hard. REALLY hard. And it takes time, and tears, to figure out. The best part of it is that we're not alone, we're in this together. So now, after a month of marriage, I find myself in awe of what the future holds. In one month we've been through so much and grown ever closer. What will one year - or fifty! - do to us?

I can't wait.

I'll leave you with a little something I wrote yesterday...

I sit here at work, thinking about his eyes. His deep, grateful eyes. So often they stare at me with something of a praise, an adoration. He considers himself the recipient of a grand gift that he is not worthy of. It's those eyes that look into me and melt any pride or selfishness that may have rested within me. Isn't it fascinating, that adoration from the beloved causes humility rather than vanity?

And there are other things I dwell on. The presence of him. Of when I snuggle against him: the presence of his jaw above me, shoulder beside me and chest beneath me. Together they make this stronghold, where no fear can penetrate. Then there is his warmth, the arms that wrap about me in love. So firmly, so gently. The soft tender kisses full of all beautiful things, warmth and light and passion and joy. 

Oh the quiet joy! It fills me as I sit here, at my computer, in a small cubicle in a cold commercial building filled with bored, listless people. I am in love. No longer is it the spring love, the eager anticipation and daydreaming. We have been satisfied; we are complete now. Our love is now the broad, gently rolling ocean, where once it was a playful splashing river. We have traded anticipation for fulfillment. Both beautiful, but the inevitable trade was in our favor. We have gained a sea of love - quieter, yes, but ever more deep. We have the boundless depths of each other to search through, some places jagged and rough, some gentle, and lovelier than we had dreamed.

These are the thoughts that fill my mind. They seem poetic, but we are ever so normal together. When I see him later today he will smile and I will kiss him. We will go grocery shopping and head home to plop our stuff on the table, read the mail and talk about our days. It all sounds so ordinary. But everyday life becomes a joy when it is permeated with love. No, I do not always choose to see that love. Sourness easily commandeers my attitude. 

But then I see those eyes. Deep, grateful, adoring. And I melt, falling into that warm ocean. There is no time, no room for complaints and pettiness. I dive in to explore the depths.

Last Post as a "Miss"

Well folks, I'm getting married this Saturday. All of the preparation is basically done, though I still need to finish packing for the honeymoon. I found myself with, miraculously, a few moments to spare, so I thought I'd come on here and write my last post as Miss Ariel.

Here's an excerpt from my journal.

"The beauty is that my soul is bare before him and he loves more than ever. The transparency, the flaws, everything - the beautiful and the things I want to hide. All bared to him. And he chooses to love.

I can't understand it!

He knows me, intimately. My crabbiness and selfishness. The part of me that snaps at my mother and rolls my eyes at him. The part of me that's so ugly. He loves that part of me. How? I don't know...

but maybe I do. Maybe, because I know that part of him. He is flawed, this I know. Some of these flaws I will struggle to not mention, to not criticize. But how could they ever affect my love for him?? What a ridiculous thought! I love him because of who he is, what he is, what he does, says, feels, thinks...... everything. It may not be logical. Oh well.

Love has never been so real. Love is breathing and living inside me so fervently it's like another reality. I've not lived here my whole life. And this isn't the "in-love" high that goes away apprently after the first year or so. This is a daily, choice, a purpose, a reason for being alive. An affection, a passion, a pursuit to know him intimately. It's filling me with life. This is staying. I will not lose this. I will - I don't care if it's hard sometimes, it already has been - continue to choose him, to choose love, because at the end of the day I am in his arms, safe and warm as can possibly be. At the end of the day I will be in the heaven of his embrace, and the mistakes we've made during the day are washed away with grace and love."

I am incredibly blessed. This is just a short bit of the many outpourings of joy his love has brought me. Truly, there is nothing better than to be loved for who you are. To be known completely and loved - that is what all humanity longs for.
"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God can see the ugliest deepest bits of me that even Stephen may never see. And yet He loves me, knowing all. It is inconceivable.

Sorry for the mini sermon. But seriously, that's a perk to having a man in your life. You start to see all these similarities between his love for you and Christ for his bride.

Anyway, to end this slightly disjointed blog post (hey, you can't blame me. I'm getting married in THREE DAYS) I'll just say that God knows his stuff. His timing is perfect. Trust him, because the results, no matter how long they take, are more than worth it.

God is so good.  The end. See you when I'm a married woman.

A Gift Given

I can't write poetry.
I can't ryhme. No matter how
hard
I
try
it all comes out like the corniest thing you've ever seen.
Like what you were forced to write
in middle school.

But I need to
somehow
express the glory that has been given to me.
I wanted to use a poem, but I failed
miserably
so I'm going to just tell you
not so fancy.
Just words.

Love
I'm still learning what it means
but it is
I'm afraid
too beautiful to grasp in a word.
It's more than wanting what's best for someone
more than wanting to be with them every moment
more than wanting them to succeed so badly
that you cry for them
hurt for them
cheer for them
pray for them and never stop
even when the happy feeling in your stomach that you always have
goes away
because they're not perfect.

Neither are you.

This is what I'm learning of love.
This is one of those things that together make up this glory I spoke of.
that I am allowed to experience the beauty and the hurt
of love
and that I am gifted with his love
and gifted with love for him.

And that is the beginning
because I have grown up in love.
These two dear individuals who have cared for me
for two decades
have hurt for me
cheered for me
prayed for me
And I have learned to do the same for them.

The world is so full of pain
twisted things
so full of envy and pride and greed and
hatred
especially for oneself
that love can rarely survive.
I know I am one of the few who have it
whole
and not twisted.
Not perfect
no.
But so pure.

Why me?
I have asked that question before
regarding anguish.
Why was it given to me?
Now I ask it
regarding
love.
Why was it given to me?
Why was the glory of love in it's blooming beauty
bestowed upon such a small
insignificant
normal
human
as
I.
Why.

I have no answer save this truth:

I am loved.

And that great Love that has chosen to give to me
more than I could ever deserve.
There is no explanation
save Love.

I now
rejoice
that my love
will keep blooming
as time goes on and on
moreso with every day with him
and oh!
that is too much for me to bear.

But I can't write poems.
And you are most likely
very tired
by this choppy bit of writing here.
So I will stop
and leave you with the great mystery
and glory.

It is worth pondering.

- Ariel J | January 2014

Short updates

I'm getting married.

I have a new (and first) job: customer service via twitter.

My sister's pregnant with her first child (and my first niece/nephew).

I've started (and stopped, at least till I settle into married life) playing trombone and being the singer for a big jazz band.

I've done more modeling, and been a supporting role in an extremely successful local musical.

Did I mention the gorgeous ring on my left hand?

That's it for now, folks. Sorry for the long absence. When the love of your life decides to make an appearance, certain things fall by the wayside.

It's so worth it.

A Masterpiece

Josh was an incredible encourager. He wrote many uplifting things in his emails, but this portion is by far my favorite. It's dated January 12, 2012. 

______________________________________

You are a masterpiece that grows closer to completion every day.   You cannot expect to be finished overnight, and you cannot allow yourself to become discouraged when you don’t progress as fast as you think you should.  The Artist loves to watch every stroke of His brush add another dimension of depth and beauty, bringing you closer and closer to His perfect vision.  When the portrait of your life is complete, He will unlock the canvas from its easel, and hold it up:  “Ariel Jessica Strom, you are mine.”  And with that, He will add the finishing touch: His signature - written in His blood.  He will walk over to His wall and hang it up to admire its beauty and perfection.  At that moment, you will be standing there with Him, having finally realized that your entire life on earth was merely preparation for this moment, and the eternity to follow.

“I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”  ~Jesus

            Hold fast and draw near, Ariel.  Never let go of Him: close your eyes and dive.

______________________________________

Never pass up the opportunity to encourage someone. You never know how long your words might be remembered. He probably had no idea I would still cherish these words a year and a half after he wrote them. 

Encouragement is powerful. Use it.

Death: A Moment of Beauty

A year ago today, my family and I and a couple friends hiked Rainie Falls. Among those friends was a young man named Josh. None of us knew that May 5 was his last day on this earth. 

After Josh fell into that river, myself and many others felt a sense of an ending. A death, a hole, a sudden jolting stop. But for Josh, that fall was a beginning. A glorious beginning.

I don't want to think of it as the day he died. I want to think of May 5 as the day he finally became alive. That is why I wrote this. It is written from Josh's perspective -- a guess as to what it might have been like to die.

_____________________________

It all begins with the calming.

My adrenaline, my fear – all of the sensations that seemed so real when I fell into this river – fade away. Everything settles into a strange, quiet serenity. Almost as if time itself has ceased.
Until now I was praying half-consciously, but now I send intentional words into the silence: Lord, what is happening?

Understanding comes as peacefully as the stillness around me.

This is my last moment on earth.

I feel subdued, contented. I never knew it would be so peaceful to die.

The calm is broken by sudden elation. I am going to Heaven – I'm going to Jesus! The next moment my joy is jolted by panic. A thousand thoughts tumble through my mind – all of the things I haven't done, the things I haven't said... Wait – Lord – what about –

Come to me, my son.

Thrill pulsates through me. Did I just hear the voice of God? Did my King speak to me?

Without warning the faces of my parents flash in front of me. Wait! I want to hold on; I start reaching out, grasping for the familiarity of earth's consciousness. But Lord …

Joshua. Come home.

I let go.

Reality morphs. In a electrifying and indescribably beautiful moment, I die.

Light explodes in my mind. I shudder with joy as it flows through my veins, glowing, pulsing – my new heartbeat, my new pulse.

At the same time, I am aware of a deeply curious sensation. I am being lifted up…  out... out of the only reality I know. It's like I'm being turned inside out. Something is slipping off of me, as if an old, heavy, tattered coat that I never knew I was wearing. As the strangling burden releases me I realize what it is.

My sin.

Every struggle, every temptation, every misery over that old nature that continually tormented me – gone. Oh, Jesus, I will never sin again! God, thank you!

Freedom eclipses me. Freedom – so raw and intense I wonder that I can contain it. It is radiating out of me. Light is emanating from me, but not my own light. I know that. I am reflecting the Light of the Son of God.

Time doesn't matter anymore. Only one thing matters.

My entire being pours itself out in praise to my King. I can't bear to keep in such all-consuming joy. Most glorious of all, there is no struggle to find a way to convey my gratitude. It flows straight from my heart without pause, a stream of passionate adoration.

I am swept up in unspeakable ecstasy, with the knowledge I will be worshiping my God like this for an eternity to come.

Praise the Lord! It is finished. My soul has reached it's ultimate redemption. I am home.

I, Joshua Steven Eddy, died.

And now I am finally alive.

                                            _____________________________

Resolved to be in Awe

By Clyde Kilby (read the original post here)

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing."

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

Image credit: Ben Canales.

Define: Courtship

Ladies and gentlemen, now that I am officially in a courtship, I thought I might try to clear up all of the confusion surrounding the word.

(it's from the movie Emma. And has nothing to do with the rest of the post really.)

courtship [ˈkɔːtʃɪp]

noun

        1. the act or art of seeking the affections of a woman; wooing
        2. the period during which such wooing takes place

        Cool. Sounds nice and old-fashioned. But this word has become so common among the homeschool subculture that it's lost its meaning altogether. When you hear a couple is “courting,” what does that mean? Arranged marriage for the 21^st century? Awkward dating with both parents watching constantly? Or just Christians doing the same bf/gf thing as everyone else – but with a reformed name?

        All those things may be named courtship, but to me, courtship is really only one thing: a relationship between a man and woman seeking to determine God's will in their future, while protecting each other and honoring their parents. It's really about the principles, because every courtship is different.

        When my sister started a courtship, it was new ground for us. Sure, we'd read tons of books about courting and watched sermons about purity – goodness, we'd even listen to long tapes during car trips on the topic – but then we would hear “every courtship is different,” leaving us basically on our own to create this thing called courtship for our own family.

        Thank goodness.

        We thought the rules applied to everyone. Rules about timing, stages, and even as specific as physical boundaries. But we learned that the most important thing about courtship is that it is very different for every couple. Everything is different because the people are different.

        Some last a couple months, some a couple years. Some involve heavy parental oversight, some little. Some couples know each other for years before-hand, while some hardly at all when the courtship begins.

        I cannot place enough importance on being willing to make adjustments to your picture of the “perfect courtship” because of your situation. It's really okay! Still there are basic essentials. Here are the basic Principles of courtship. (I capitalized the P because the 3 essentials start with Ps... clever, I know...)

1. Purposeful intent
2. Purity valued
3. Parental involvement

        So first, purposeful intent. This is mostly to shield against the culture-condoned practice of dating for fun, or to “just get to know” without serious interest in marriage. Because this is done in a environment that promotes romantic feelings, the fear is that it leads to emotional attachment (which is usually true) and then to heartbreak. Yes, we know heartbreak isn't the end of the world, and it can be a great growth process, but it's generally way more efficient to get to know people outside of a romantic context. A courtship is always looking toward marriage as a hopeful goal. (Not a definite goal. That's called “engagement.” And yes, that was sarcastic.)

        Purposeful also means you wait until the young people are ready to begin a courtship. It is not an easy out for two infatuated young people to have a romantic relationship even though they're not anywhere near marriage – but oh, it's okay because we're courting. Shall I quote Song of Solomon? Don't start things until the two people are ready for things to be started.

        I tend to put prominence on maturity. Yes, a job is important; yes, knowledge of house-keeping is important; but knowing how to sacrifice and be vulnerable and being ready to enter the extremely hard puzzle that marriage is: this is most crucial. At least to me.

        Now, with each of these principles, some people go overboard. For instance: Waiting until they're ready, to some people, means the man must already be ready to support a wife and three children before he asks to court anyone. (I only exaggerated a little, actually. Sadly.) While financial stability is important, it may not be a reason for delaying courtship. Neither may age be. Usually, a courtship of two 17-year-olds isn't the wisest thing, but sometimes it works! It is different for everyone. I know of a couple who had a long but blessed courtship that began when they were about that age. They are married now and so glad they could do all of those years of growing side by side. It definitely does not work for everyone, but don't rule it out as impossible. Please.

        Now on to number 2. Purity valued. Purity is probably the most enormous focus in courtship talks/books. It doesn't just mean physical. Emotional purity is one of the most-talked-about topics for young women. "Emotional purity" actually isn't the best wording (discretion would be better) because it implies it is something that can be lost and never regained (more on that later). But emotional discretion is really important, especially for girls, and especially when they're young. Do not be reckless with your love, or foolish with your thoughts. Remember, the heart determines the course of the life. (Psalm 4:23, NLT) And as far as physical purity, God commands it.

        Now, how some go overboard. Does it surprise you that the day I realized kissing before marriage isn't a sin was not very long ago? Okay, it's not as if I consciously thought it was, but my subculture so valued “saving” your kiss for your wedding day that I was secretly judging anyone who didn't. Until I realized it wasn't actually any kind of moral failing – it was just a wise idea. First kiss at the altar is a very good idea for keeping physical purity. But please remember that it's not a sin to decide not to. (Decide being an important word. “It just happened” when you planned to save it for the big day is a different issue. Set your boundaries and keep them.)

        And on the emotional side of things... oh boy. Ladies, please hear me out. If you fall in love with a man, and end up not marrying him, it is okay. It will not make you less pure, leaving you partially defiled on your wedding day. You do not leave a part of your heart with that first man that you can never give to your husband. Yes, you might always remember him, perhaps with regret – but no matter how many times you fall in love, you will always have all your heart to give your true love.

        I say this not to encourage you to fall in love, but to hearten those who have done so, wisely or not. Too much pressure on guarding your heart will make you afraid of taking the steps needed to create that deep relationship vital in a courtship. I am writing a post about my own experience facing that choice of vulnerability, and what I discovered about keeping my heart in a courtship. Stay tuned for that.        

        So that's all I can say for now without being utterly-way-too-long. Guarding your heart is good, very good, but please don't take it overboard. It's damaging to your relationship with your future husband.

        Last but not least, number 3: Parental involvement. This is probably the principle you will have the hardest time finding in the dating world. In fact, you don't even find it much in engagement. But courtshipers (I think I made up that word) find it very important. Basically, this includes the woman's father “checking out” the young man, setting boundaries for the courtship, and just being involved in the whole process.

        I love this. I really love it. First, it gives the father the honor he deserves. Second, it deepens and strengthens relationships between parent and child, as you talk openly about this very personal issue. And third, O young ones, your parents aren't perfect, but they've got some great advice. They've been through this. While you may feel like you know way more about this situation, take a humility pill and realize that you've got a lot to learn. Besides, you're probably not quite in your right mind as there is some amazing person interested in you. Just sayin'.

        And the best part about giving your parents authority in your relationship is that they just might hand it back. Say hello to the power of trust. This has been one of the biggest blessings in my own courtship. My man and I have been given a lot of trust in some areas, and as a result, we have an even greater desire to prove trustworthy! There is an incredible empowerment that comes with being trusted, and it is a great maturity-builder for young adults who may or may not deserve it, but will strive to earn it.

        How do some go overboard with this? By making the rules too strict. By closing the gate too tight. By not trusting the couple enough, so that they jump over the gate, because they felt it would never open. Enough said.

        Also,  it is difficult to say what the level of authority a father should have on rejecting a suitor. This is one I can't say a black and white answer on, because the situation is always different.

        However, in almost every situation I can say that is very important to give the couple time alone. I used to think in courtship, there was always someone right there, watching and listening. Wow. What a way to develop a relationship. In all seriousness, third wheels are great – but to have a truly real and deep relationship, some things must be between 2 people only, and not shared with the parents or anyone else. That is the nature of relationships, and especially one as intimate as this one is meant to become.

      ...Please forgive me, I'm going to say just a little bit more about rules (even though I said "Enough said.") Don't misunderstand me - rules are wonderful things. They can often be legalistic or too harsh, but in general they are great. My whole life, we always had the rule: "No riding in the car alone with a guy." Even when neither of us were remotely interested in each other and it was just for convenience - it didn't matter. We had a rule, and we kept it. Did this get annoying sometimes? Yes. Did it hurt me? No. Really, it's okay to put up with rules that don't always make sense. Better to be safe than sorry.

        So those are the 3 principles that I believe make courtship different from dating. Before I'm finished though, I must state something rather important. And that is this: dating can be God-glorifying.

        This should be obvious, but to those in my circle, it's not. People, listen: Dating couples actually aren't stupid. (Gasp!) They oftentimes date with purpose, and in some form or other, value purity. It's true. And on the other hand, some don't. Those types are so scandalous that we decide all dating is like that and therefore “bad.” It is unfortunately common to find pro-courtship-ers making generalizations about daters, because the large percentage of them are all one way. Check out this quote from Stacey McDonald.

        “Dating is random, while courtship is deliberate; in dating, the goal is romance, while with courtship, the goal is marriage; dating leaves the couple unprotected, while courtship protects the young couple; dating is an unnatural setting of perpetual recreation, but courtship creates a natural setting of real life and family...”

        Do you see the stereotyping? Courting couples can be very unprotected if they make unwise choices, while dating couples can choose to put up boundaries for themselves. It's about the principles, not the name. Let me say it again. It is the principles within the relationship that determine whether it glorifies God or not. Dating can be totally fine.

        And what do I mean by “dating?” Going on dates. Spending time one-on-one developing a deeper relationship. Doing fun things together. Doing hard things together. Dating doesn't have to equal fornication and broken hearts. Just as courtship doesn't have to equal purity and protection. Whichever way you go, if you make the Bible the core of your relationship's principles, you're good to go. It's okay to do things different than the next guy. It really is.

        Thanks for reading. Sorry this ended up so long, but hopefully it's been somewhat helpful. Go date/court to the glory of God!