Waiting

Josh, my life is a writhing stew of contradictions right now.

I know everything is going to be fine – I feel like everything is never going to fine again. The difference? Know vs. feel. I know God is blessing me; I feel God is hurting me. I know you weren't meant to live past 19; I feel you were meant to live to 100. I know you're happy and I'd never take you away from seeing the face of God; I feel that I would, in an instant, if I could. I know I have a purpose; I feel like nothing matters anymore.

I've been talking to God about all this. I'm waiting for him, waiting for him to act. Waiting for him to change me. Waiting for this to pass. I'm waiting for real life, for real happiness, for real purpose to come again. I don't know how long I'll have to wait. All I know is there's a reason I didn't fall. Psalm 56, the last verse, says “For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.” My work isn't finished, so I've got to get up and get to it. It's just so hard to do it without you, Josh.

I know God was right to take you. I know it was right, in my head. My heart is still trying to catch up. It means one thing to say whatever God does is right when you live a life like mine on May 4, but when you live it on May 5, it's a much different thing.

Lord, help me. I stand now only because of You.