To make up ...

I realize it's been too long since my last post. My excuse? I actually have two. ;)

1. After years and years of having fun being chorus roles in musicals, God has seen fit to give me a huge gift: playing Cinderella in "Cinderella." I'm dreadfully excited and am planning to put my all into this. So far things are going very well, I'm awed at how God is strengthening my voice... my voice always, always became shaky or weak when I sang in front of a lot of people, but during the past 2 weeks it has somehow remained strong. Such a God thing. Anyhow this could be a post in itself, but it's not! Ahem.

2. I'm one of the editors for the feature-length film First Impressions, which is a time-consuming project.

Therefore, I have been busy. Also, I've been overthinking life, as I'm terribly prone to do, which wearies me emotionally and makes me just a tad stressed. I'll post about it sometime. For now, know that I have at least 4 posts planned... I just need to write them and make them look nice.

I figured out one of the reasons I haven't been blogging is because I've been journaling more than ever. If it means anything to anyone, I'm an INFP. Thus, I really wouldn't live without journaling, because that and talking are how I extravert my "processings." All to say that all the things I should be blogging about I just write in my journal instead because (selfishly) I don't think I have to time to make them look nice, and I just need to get them down on something. So yeah, I've been selfish.

So. Here's two random thoughts I've been processing lately. Happy birthday.

- I went to the mall with my mother a couple days ago. I hadn't been there in forever, and I was savoring that delicious feeling of walking into a store full of jewelry and hair accessories... you know, that joy that just makes you feel ... joyful? Yeah. Emotions are hard to explain. The point is, I am pretty positive that the male population cannot feel this shopping happiness. So as I'm trying on a dress, just for the fun of it since I know I'm never going to waste the money to buy it, I thought, "God, do you understand this funny feeling? I mean, of course you do, but ... you're male, aren't you?" It made me stop and think. God, experiencing the frilly shopping joy? But then again... he did create it, didn't he?

So then that got me thinking. Because God created male as well as female... I mean he must have saved some of himself to characterize the female, when he created Adam. Am I making any sense? Basically I guess I'm trying to say that God is more than just male, because he's not human. I'm not saying he genderless or anything... I mean, maybe he is - after all, he's God! He's a "god", not a man or woman. And yet I just said "he." Humph. Well, it was just one of those things we'll never quite understand until a couple million years into Heaven...

- I will tell about this experience in a later post, but I had a very intense sort of ... emotional (for lack of a better word) experience. I don't like to use the word emotional because it intimates uncontrollable feelings that are "less than" real life. I've always been one to criticize romance and frown upon how emotions (especially romance) are glorified in our culture. And yet, the other night I found I had to admit that emotions are created by God. Well, duh, but the point is, they've been tainted by the sin nature. Emotions themselves are not bad, but when they're allowed free reign they are destructive. Right? So in a perfect world, emotions would not have to be guarded (I'm thinking aloud here) because they could not lead astray. Perhaps.

Most people, it seems, don't think of Heaven as a place of high emotions. Maybe this is because they think that the changing of emotions, like happy to sad, are necessary to the thrill of emotions. But that's not true - the beauty in emotions is not in the fact that it's different - "Oh, I'm so awed by this feeling because it's different than the feeling I had at 2:30" - no, the beauty in emotions is inside the feeling itself. It's that ethereal, indescribable quality. It's what all those cheesy pop love songs try to describe. It's just beyond words, though.

 Anyhow, my point in this is that emotions are from God, and because they are so indescribable, they seem, at times, to come far closer to showing us glimpses of God than words or visual things. You know what I mean? Also, in this world they are indeed less than real life... meaning they're like a color screen over a movie, they're not the movie itself. But perhaps in Heaven, just perhaps, where emotions are pure and untaintable, they will be real life. Or at least a part of it. I mean, just think about it - when we, who were ripped apart at birth from the one Thing that we were created for, are once and for all joined to that beautiful, wondrous Thing, our Maker ... what can describe that ... that feeling? Feeling. Does that seem profane? That a mere emotion might be the only thing to describe a moment such as that? I don't think so.

Well I'm not sure if any of that made any sense, but I don't always have a closure on my thoughts. In fact I usually don't. So I'm sorry if that bothers you.

Until next time...